Coming To A Close

    Ah yes, we're coming to the end of another year. My cliche ass will be saying new year, new me when that stupid ball drops New Year's Eve night. Let's hope I make it to midnight this year; I couldn't last year because I had an edible, and I ended up forgetting how to chew, and I couldn't swallow my mac and cheese, and I just remember being upset. Not the best way to go into a new year if you ask me but, I guess I set the standard for 2020 to be a shit year; at least I'm trying to end it on a high note. I do have to say I am happy for what this year has brought me. 2020 might have been a shit show, but I gained so much clarity this year, and I expect 2021 to be a year full of growth and positive changes. 

    Throughout 2020, I haven't been financially stable; well actually, since 2018 I haven't been financially stable. My checking account usually has about $0.00, and my savings is usually about $0.01. To be a young adult and broke in your mid-twenties is just grand. I have to say living like this for the past two years has been eye-opening. Struggling every day to make ends meet, doing bottle returns just to put some gas in my tank, or selling clothing on Poshmark just to get through one more week is exhausting. Struggling like this has given me a new perspective. I now know as we go into a new year that I no longer want to scrape by. I usually make jokes about my financial situation and try to make it seem like I'll be okay, but there are weeks that I have actual mental breakdowns because I don't know if I'm going to eat that week, or I'm not sure if I'll have money for rent. My plan to switch my money problem around in 2021 is to stop spending my money on pointless and worthless shit that I do not need. I have a tendency to spend my money whenever I am in a funk. I am a shopaholic, as soon as a depressive episode hits, I'm spending every penny I have on things that I think will make me happy, but to be honest, once I'm home surrounded by more junk that I didn't need to buy I feel worse. I think by recognizing that I no longer have happiness coming from this addiction of mine, it will make it easier for me to stop. I also want to start budgeting my money, I already do this when it comes to bills, but I have to say getting an apartment where I have a landlord that doesn't allow me to be a month late with rent has really helped me to start putting the money I need for rent away each week. Putting that money away and not touching it has been such good practice and has been helping me with saving a little money here are there for when I need it. What I really want to do is budget all my expenses and give myself a weekly allowance, which is what my mother used to do with me in high school. I wasn't allowed to take more than twenty dollars out each week, which helped me start good budgeting habits. Unfortunately, as I got older, I fell off the wagon and started going crazy with spending, but I now realize what she had instilled in me when I was a teenager is what I need to get back to. I need to be financially stable to be mentally stable, I swear the two of those things coincide a lot. 

    2020 is a year I feel we all had our bouts with mental health, whether it was anxiety about our health or our family and friend's health, or maybe it was depression from not being able to have physical interaction with each other. Or if you're like me, perhaps you had a mixture of both depression and anxiety. For a while, I was doing okay with minimal interaction; for years I took joy in avoiding people, but when the pandemic hit, and we were told to quarantine, I found myself missing the nightlife I once had. Don't get me wrong, eventually, I grew accepting of not being able to go out to bars or restaurants, but you have to understand in 2019, I was out every weekend at a bar, hanging out with friends, constantly around people. To go from that to nothing in a matter of weeks was crazy. I found myself not knowing what to do with my time, my depression hit, and I started to sleep my days away. I was no longer happy with my life and the situations I was in, but I do think this was a turning point for me. Although I was depressed, I was determined to change my situation until I was happy again. Even though it took me until the end of 2020 to start making real-life changes, I'm glad I didn't just allow my depression to consume me as I have done in the past. I ended a relationship I felt wasn't healthy for me, I took charge of my life and applied to college, I actively have been trying to create better habits, and I'm getting back into old hobbies. I never thought I would see the day where my life would finally flip, don't get me wrong, I still have many issues to work through but not dwelling in my depression and letting it stunt my growth has been a massive change for me. Going into 2021, I hope that whenever I have depressive episodes or bouts of anxiety, instead of allowing it to take ahold of my life, I wish to continue to work through it and use these emotions to flip my situation until I'm happy again. 

    Finally, we are coming to a close. This year has had its ups and downs.; for me, it's been a year of growth in a different way than I've ever experienced before. I'm excited to see where 2021 will take me, and I cannot wait to accomplish the goals I have set. I'm eager to change my bad habits into good ones, and I'm excited to maintain a better mindset and, all together healthier lifestyle. 2020 might've been a scary year for many, but it was a year that I needed. It was a year that gave me clarity and a willingness to stop sitting in the shitty situations I allowed myself to be in. It bought about a change I've been looking to achieve for years, and for the first time in a while, I am excited to begin this new year.