Nobody Likes The Cold

    Attachment, what a scary concept. We all have an attachment to someone, an item, or a place. Whether we meant to form it or not, it’s something that is hard to give up. Five years ago, I would have told you to never form an attachment to someone because I thought attachment was a weakness. I think 20 year old me was burned too many times by people I became attached to. I learned to be alone, and I relished in it. I thought I was stronger off by myself, and I often questioned why I needed anyone. What I didn't realize is my growth was stunted by not having bonds with people. To disconnect yourself from everyone isn't healthy in the slightest. Even if you end up heartbroken in the end, the bond you shared with someone is always worth the learning experience you'll end up receiving. 

 

    Let me take you back five years ago, right before I swore off attachments. I was just about to be 20, and I was heavily flirting within the dating scene. I found myself swiping left and right on tinder the majority of my days until I received a message from an old friend on instagram. When we were teens he seemed quiet, not the type of person to play around with peoples emotions, but boy was I wrong. We went back and fourth in each other's dm's, until he asked me to hangout with him. I accepted the invitation and I'm guessing you all know where this is going. I found myself having a huge crush on him and eventually I no longer just wanted to have sex, so I asked him to go on a date with me. He rejected me, told me he wasn't really looking for that type of commitment. I accepted that, but we continued to see each other after that. Unfortunately, I formed an attachment, I really liked him and even if he didn't want to date, I was cool with just being able to be around him. I was fine with our friends with benefits situation, up until I learned he had a girlfriend the entire time he was messing around with me. What a slap to the face, huh? His rejection made sense, he was already committed to a girl, and I still don't know till this day if she even knows what he did. I'd hope he told her before they got married, but I seriously doubt it, I guess that's something he'll have to live with. After him I swore off getting attached to people and for the next two years I found myself pushing people away, I was completely alone. My next attachment wouldn't be until 2018, when I met my ex. 

   

    Going into my relationship with my ex, I had a lot of baggage to deal with. I had multiple health scares, I was dealing with heartache from so much rejection, and past insecurities. He really got the brunt of it all, I have to hand it to him though he took most of it very well. My ex helped me in many ways, he is the reason I am able to form attachments today. I healed a lot during our relationship, even though he caused some damage himself. I do have him to thank for helping me control my anxiety, if it wasn't for him I'd probably still be a mess and headed off to a mental hospital. As I stated in my previous post, when we started dating I made several accusations about him cheating on me, looking through his phone, calling and texting him until he'd come home from his night out. I was a total psychopath all because I feared forming an attachment and getting hurt all over again. When he finally learned that I had been going through his phone, he sat me down and said, "If I wanted anyone else, I would be with them, not you. I want you." That one sentence changed a lot of things for me, I felt okay and I eased up. After that I allowed myself to form a little attachment. Unfortunately, I couldn't fully open myself up to him, I pushed him away and he did seek other girls attention throughout our relationship. I'm not mad at him for what he did, I understand why he did what he did, I could be a very unattached person at times and it comes off as cold. Nobody likes the cold. Even though I couldn't fully open myself up to him, he opened the door for me to start opening myself up to other people and I began forming new relationships. I healed some of my burns and I started to blossom a bit. 

    Now that I'm single, I have a different perspective on attachment. Viewing all my past relationships and present ones I understand that being cold is only going to push away the people I want around me. I know now I have to be open even if that seems scary. I have to tell myself that it's okay if I fall in love and it's not reciprocated. It's okay if I form an attachment and the other person doesn't. Because at the end of the day the attachments I do and have formed are going to continue to help warm myself up and be more open with my feelings. Five years ago, I was an idiot I wrote a whole blogpost dedicated to keeping yourself from getting hurt and I specifically listed what to do and what not to do. Forming an attachment was at the top of the list. Today I'm righting my wrongs, forming attachments teaches you things, it gives you insight to so many different lives and gives you an ability to love so many. I look back at each of my relationships now with a fondness, I learned many things from each person I've dated. They've given me pieces of themselves, knowledge, and special moments that I'll always have. Attachment use to be a negative thing for me, but as I go forward it will only be a positive. 

    Don't fear attachment like I use to, use it to your advantage by taking each experience you've had with someone and use it to better yourself. Closing up and being cold is never the answer, it'll only scare off the people you want. Look at attachment to people the same way you look at your attachment to a certain place or item you own. I have an attachment to a teddy bear I received when I was four or five, his name is Teddy and whenever I am cuddled up with him I feel a sense of comfort the same sense of comfort I have when I visit my favorite lake on a cool fall day or early winter morning. Finding comfort in your attachments will give you ease and free you mind of unnecessary worries. Our minds already deal with so much, so don't overthink your connections to people, allow them to happen and if they break allow that to happen as well. Be okay with letting go of someone you're attached to, because even after they're gone you'll still be able to look back and remember the comfort you had.