Heartbreak and the Process of Moving On
Heartbreak is a topic I'm quite familiar with. I've dealt with all different types of heartbreaks whether it was a romantic relationship or a friendship, I've felt them all and sometimes the weight on your heart becomes too heavy from this break and you feel like dying. It's easy to put your happiness into the hands of someone else and because of that we let ourselves become so dependent on that person and when they walk away or do something hurtful it feels like your world has been shattered into a million pieces and then you have to spend months sometimes even years picking up those pieces.
My experience with heartbreak has led me to do some really awful things to not only myself but other people. My first heartbreak was when I was 16, I started dating my first "real" boyfriend during the spring of my freshman year and because he was my first boyfriend and my first "love" I felt obligated at times to stick by his side even when he put me through hell. Within the first couple of months of our relationship he cheated on me with another girl that had the same name as me, he used the excuse of being too drunk which was complete bullshit.. After that I had a hard time trusting him, let alone anyone else I would date after him. I became insecure to the extent that I would threaten to harm myself if he cheated on me again. It was a pretty toxic relationship and I was the one to end it, but of course being young and dumb I thought letting him go was a mistake and I tried to win him back but he was talking to one of my "best" friends behind my back and they started dating shortly after we broke up. That was the first time I felt betrayed and heartbroken by a friend. I was left really messed up after that whole scenario that I started to self harm in various ways. I would cut myself everyday, would drink every night, and steal whatever prescription drugs we had lying around the house, I just wanted to feel numb. I even contemplated suicide I wrote up a note and gave it to my ex when he came to get his shit from me, in return he gave it to my brother and my brother called my dad. I ended up getting yelled at by my father and sent to a therapist who was either really dumb or I'm just that great of an actor and a liar, she thought I was just a regular happy teenage kid little did she know what I was doing to myself. It took me about 6 months to finally get over him, one morning I just woke up and the weight was lifted off my chest, I made some realizations over those months but that one morning anything I had left for him was gone he meant nothing to me. From that relationship I was able to learn what I expect out of the people I date and that I cannot use threats to put people in check because a healthy relationship needs to stem from a healthy mindset.
Over the years I've had about 3 series relationships the other 12 guys I've been with were either friends with benefits or one night stands. I was lucky enough to learn from each experience, especially the friends with benefits relationships. Friends with benefits relationships are pretty tough at times because you go in trying your damndest to feel nothing for that person and to just get your weekly or monthly fill of sex and yet you can't help but develop feelings but sometimes that's not entirely your fault. If you're looking to have a friends with benefits situation you need to set in place some rules and boundaries to stop you or that person from gaining any feelings. First rule is to keep talking to a minimum, I know you want to at least know a little bit about the person you're screwing but get very basic details like their name (obviously) or where they work you don't want to ask deep personal questions because if you get to know them too well and start getting comfortable you're going to gain feelings and more than likely get your heart broken in the end. Another thing I'd avoid is small acts of affection like cuddling, hand holding, and kissing when you're not having sex, just don't do it. Your mind will make you think these small bits of affection show that the person cares or is developing some feelings, they're not, so skip small affection! Last thing I'll warn you about is receiving late night texts that say "I miss you" I know we've all fallen for that line before and we kinda get smiley at the fact that someone else besides our dog missed us but the real meaning of that text is "I wanna fuck, please come over" so don't get too excited when you receive an "I miss you" message, if that person really did miss you they would put in the effort and not just text you at 3am after their drunken night of fun with the boys. It's okay if you don't follow these rules though because sometimes I still slip up and let my emotions get in the way and I end up heartbroken, but we're not perfect and even with boundaries you can still make mistakes.
Moving on from someone you spent a lot of time with and have serious and deep feelings for is never going to be easy. I wish I could sit here and lie to you guys and tell you I figured out how to move on within a week but for some reason our minds likes to dwell on the past and reminisce about good moments we had with the person who just broke our heart. Let the reminiscing happen for about a week, cry it out, tweet your emotions, talk to your friends about it but then give yourself a kick in the ass and get back out into the world. I like to tell people to look at being single as an opportunity to do whatever the hell you want with your life and not worry about the responsibilities of being in a relationship. It's still going to hurt like hell and it's going to be on your mind all the time but keeping yourself busy with work and school will help minimize the thought of that person but don't just stop being busy after work and school keep a busy schedule! Make plans to go out with your friends, workout, set a house on fire! Okay maybe don't set a house on fire but don't allow your mind to only think of your ex. When you've finally feel like you're in a good mindset to reopen that wound, do it!
Moving on is a process and the first step I like to take is getting my mind off the situation and getting myself into a better state of mind it's helpful so you can make clear decisions and think clearly about the relationship as a whole. Once you're done looking back at the relationship you're probably going to feel pretty angry at your ex but also at yourself for putting up with everything they put you through, don't let that anger consume you. Look at everything the good, the bad, and the ugly and learn from it, take these experiences and apply them to your current life and set a tone for how you want your next relationship to be. Another thing I suggest doing is forgiving your ex, I still don't even like telling people to do that because I'm a very stubborn person and I hate forgiving people especially when they were the one in the wrong. Forgiving is a very important part of moving on its a way of finally letting go of everything that happened, if you're like me this might be the hardest part and it might take you a while to actually forgive your ex but once you do it you'll feel complete and total freedom. The last thing I'd recommend is anything thats left over from when you and your ex were together get rid of it. Pictures, clothing, jewelry whatever it is sell it, burn it, throw it away you don't need memorabilia from that time in your life because it has passed and you're going on to bigger and better things.
My experience with heartbreak has led me to do some really awful things to not only myself but other people. My first heartbreak was when I was 16, I started dating my first "real" boyfriend during the spring of my freshman year and because he was my first boyfriend and my first "love" I felt obligated at times to stick by his side even when he put me through hell. Within the first couple of months of our relationship he cheated on me with another girl that had the same name as me, he used the excuse of being too drunk which was complete bullshit.. After that I had a hard time trusting him, let alone anyone else I would date after him. I became insecure to the extent that I would threaten to harm myself if he cheated on me again. It was a pretty toxic relationship and I was the one to end it, but of course being young and dumb I thought letting him go was a mistake and I tried to win him back but he was talking to one of my "best" friends behind my back and they started dating shortly after we broke up. That was the first time I felt betrayed and heartbroken by a friend. I was left really messed up after that whole scenario that I started to self harm in various ways. I would cut myself everyday, would drink every night, and steal whatever prescription drugs we had lying around the house, I just wanted to feel numb. I even contemplated suicide I wrote up a note and gave it to my ex when he came to get his shit from me, in return he gave it to my brother and my brother called my dad. I ended up getting yelled at by my father and sent to a therapist who was either really dumb or I'm just that great of an actor and a liar, she thought I was just a regular happy teenage kid little did she know what I was doing to myself. It took me about 6 months to finally get over him, one morning I just woke up and the weight was lifted off my chest, I made some realizations over those months but that one morning anything I had left for him was gone he meant nothing to me. From that relationship I was able to learn what I expect out of the people I date and that I cannot use threats to put people in check because a healthy relationship needs to stem from a healthy mindset.
Over the years I've had about 3 series relationships the other 12 guys I've been with were either friends with benefits or one night stands. I was lucky enough to learn from each experience, especially the friends with benefits relationships. Friends with benefits relationships are pretty tough at times because you go in trying your damndest to feel nothing for that person and to just get your weekly or monthly fill of sex and yet you can't help but develop feelings but sometimes that's not entirely your fault. If you're looking to have a friends with benefits situation you need to set in place some rules and boundaries to stop you or that person from gaining any feelings. First rule is to keep talking to a minimum, I know you want to at least know a little bit about the person you're screwing but get very basic details like their name (obviously) or where they work you don't want to ask deep personal questions because if you get to know them too well and start getting comfortable you're going to gain feelings and more than likely get your heart broken in the end. Another thing I'd avoid is small acts of affection like cuddling, hand holding, and kissing when you're not having sex, just don't do it. Your mind will make you think these small bits of affection show that the person cares or is developing some feelings, they're not, so skip small affection! Last thing I'll warn you about is receiving late night texts that say "I miss you" I know we've all fallen for that line before and we kinda get smiley at the fact that someone else besides our dog missed us but the real meaning of that text is "I wanna fuck, please come over" so don't get too excited when you receive an "I miss you" message, if that person really did miss you they would put in the effort and not just text you at 3am after their drunken night of fun with the boys. It's okay if you don't follow these rules though because sometimes I still slip up and let my emotions get in the way and I end up heartbroken, but we're not perfect and even with boundaries you can still make mistakes.
Moving on from someone you spent a lot of time with and have serious and deep feelings for is never going to be easy. I wish I could sit here and lie to you guys and tell you I figured out how to move on within a week but for some reason our minds likes to dwell on the past and reminisce about good moments we had with the person who just broke our heart. Let the reminiscing happen for about a week, cry it out, tweet your emotions, talk to your friends about it but then give yourself a kick in the ass and get back out into the world. I like to tell people to look at being single as an opportunity to do whatever the hell you want with your life and not worry about the responsibilities of being in a relationship. It's still going to hurt like hell and it's going to be on your mind all the time but keeping yourself busy with work and school will help minimize the thought of that person but don't just stop being busy after work and school keep a busy schedule! Make plans to go out with your friends, workout, set a house on fire! Okay maybe don't set a house on fire but don't allow your mind to only think of your ex. When you've finally feel like you're in a good mindset to reopen that wound, do it!
Moving on is a process and the first step I like to take is getting my mind off the situation and getting myself into a better state of mind it's helpful so you can make clear decisions and think clearly about the relationship as a whole. Once you're done looking back at the relationship you're probably going to feel pretty angry at your ex but also at yourself for putting up with everything they put you through, don't let that anger consume you. Look at everything the good, the bad, and the ugly and learn from it, take these experiences and apply them to your current life and set a tone for how you want your next relationship to be. Another thing I suggest doing is forgiving your ex, I still don't even like telling people to do that because I'm a very stubborn person and I hate forgiving people especially when they were the one in the wrong. Forgiving is a very important part of moving on its a way of finally letting go of everything that happened, if you're like me this might be the hardest part and it might take you a while to actually forgive your ex but once you do it you'll feel complete and total freedom. The last thing I'd recommend is anything thats left over from when you and your ex were together get rid of it. Pictures, clothing, jewelry whatever it is sell it, burn it, throw it away you don't need memorabilia from that time in your life because it has passed and you're going on to bigger and better things.
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