Alcoholism
Alcohol is usually known as a drink used on fun nights or for celebration but to me, it's something much different. Ever since I was a kid I've been witness to alcohol abuse in my family, the people I loved most had things they wanted to bury and keep hidden from the world or just have something to drown out their guilty conscious with. Growing up around alcoholism affected me, it has made me look at alcohol as a solution to my problems. I use alcohol to bury my emotions, I use it as a way to make myself feel better, and I use it as an excuse to do shitty things and to say shitty things. I started drinking at 13, the first night I stole my parents' alcohol was the same night I had been rejected by someone, it hurt and I dealt with the hurt emotion by drowning it out with Svedka Vodka. I remember the taste so vividly, it had the most disgusting strong taste and I wanted to spit it out immediately after I took my first sip but I wanted to feel better so I drank my tiny glass and fell asleep shortly after. That's when my addiction began.
Fast forward a few years to when I was 15, I had started dating my first boyfriend and the crowd he hung out with wasn't the best, despite that, I wanted to hang out with them anyways mostly because my parents disapproved and I was rebelling. They introduced me to partying which led to me drinking more. A few months later my boyfriend cheated on me I wanted to drown out that hurt feeling I looked to alcohol to help feel numb. When I was 16 drinking became a nightly thing my parents never locked up their alcohol and for years they hadn't even noticed I had been drinking mostly because we live with my alcoholic grandfather and they assumed he was consuming it all. I was going into school hungover, barely doing my work, and mouthing off to teachers my attitude had changed I was depressed and I wasn't dealing with it, I was putting a band-aid over it and pretending everything was fine. At 17 I was still drinking nightly but I was consuming more then I was previously. Since my parents hadn't noticed I was getting into their alcohol I felt a little more ballsy and started to pour more into a glass every night and mixing my alcohols. My behavior had gotten worse and for some reason, the people around me applauded my drinking habits, they thought it was funny that I would come in hungover looking like I had just woken up from the dead.
Ages 18-20 was the time I abused alcohol the most. At 18 I was at my lowest; my depression was worse than ever before, I was dating the biggest piece of shit who constantly put me down and made me feel worthless, I had lost most of my friends, and my parents were constantly telling me how disappointed they were in me. At that point my life was spiraling out of control I was skipping class or not even showing up to school, I was partying every weekend that I could, sneaking out to be with my ex, and spending all my money. I recall prom night so vividly because it was one of the worst nights of my life I went with my asshole ex and he made me miserable the entire time and I couldn't wait to leave so I could go get drunk. When we finally got to the party I was drinking and taking jello-shot after jello-shot and with my ex sitting next to me the guy who was handing out the shots came up to me and tried flirting with me and my ex says to him "I'll trade her for a couple of those jello-shots." I had never felt so embarrassed and more worthless then I did in that moment I reacted to his comment as a joke and just kept drinking until I was no longer hurt. From 19-20 I started to notice my problem and I began working at it I struggled a lot because every time a bump in the road would happen I would just reach for the bottle and allow that to cover up my problems. In the final months of 2017 I had stopped drinking for a while and when I did start drinking again I had it under control I limited myself to one or two glasses of wine but I wasn't drinking every single night.
I turned 21 last Sunday on the 11th and since then I've felt pressured to drink but I hadn't given in until last night I was anxious and overwhelmed by my feelings and I didn't want to deal with my emotions in a proper way I wanted to drown, so I drank an entire bottle of wine and passed out. I woke up this morning regretful because I had spent months working on myself and learning to deal with my emotions in a proper way and I threw all my progress out the window within one night. I've come to the decision that I will no longer be drinking at least until I know I can handle my emotions without needing a drink. I think this is the best thing to do for myself at this point in time and I ask any friends or family members to please respect my decision and do not force, ask, or tempt me to drink. I'm trying to better myself, please respect that.
Fast forward a few years to when I was 15, I had started dating my first boyfriend and the crowd he hung out with wasn't the best, despite that, I wanted to hang out with them anyways mostly because my parents disapproved and I was rebelling. They introduced me to partying which led to me drinking more. A few months later my boyfriend cheated on me I wanted to drown out that hurt feeling I looked to alcohol to help feel numb. When I was 16 drinking became a nightly thing my parents never locked up their alcohol and for years they hadn't even noticed I had been drinking mostly because we live with my alcoholic grandfather and they assumed he was consuming it all. I was going into school hungover, barely doing my work, and mouthing off to teachers my attitude had changed I was depressed and I wasn't dealing with it, I was putting a band-aid over it and pretending everything was fine. At 17 I was still drinking nightly but I was consuming more then I was previously. Since my parents hadn't noticed I was getting into their alcohol I felt a little more ballsy and started to pour more into a glass every night and mixing my alcohols. My behavior had gotten worse and for some reason, the people around me applauded my drinking habits, they thought it was funny that I would come in hungover looking like I had just woken up from the dead.
Ages 18-20 was the time I abused alcohol the most. At 18 I was at my lowest; my depression was worse than ever before, I was dating the biggest piece of shit who constantly put me down and made me feel worthless, I had lost most of my friends, and my parents were constantly telling me how disappointed they were in me. At that point my life was spiraling out of control I was skipping class or not even showing up to school, I was partying every weekend that I could, sneaking out to be with my ex, and spending all my money. I recall prom night so vividly because it was one of the worst nights of my life I went with my asshole ex and he made me miserable the entire time and I couldn't wait to leave so I could go get drunk. When we finally got to the party I was drinking and taking jello-shot after jello-shot and with my ex sitting next to me the guy who was handing out the shots came up to me and tried flirting with me and my ex says to him "I'll trade her for a couple of those jello-shots." I had never felt so embarrassed and more worthless then I did in that moment I reacted to his comment as a joke and just kept drinking until I was no longer hurt. From 19-20 I started to notice my problem and I began working at it I struggled a lot because every time a bump in the road would happen I would just reach for the bottle and allow that to cover up my problems. In the final months of 2017 I had stopped drinking for a while and when I did start drinking again I had it under control I limited myself to one or two glasses of wine but I wasn't drinking every single night.
I turned 21 last Sunday on the 11th and since then I've felt pressured to drink but I hadn't given in until last night I was anxious and overwhelmed by my feelings and I didn't want to deal with my emotions in a proper way I wanted to drown, so I drank an entire bottle of wine and passed out. I woke up this morning regretful because I had spent months working on myself and learning to deal with my emotions in a proper way and I threw all my progress out the window within one night. I've come to the decision that I will no longer be drinking at least until I know I can handle my emotions without needing a drink. I think this is the best thing to do for myself at this point in time and I ask any friends or family members to please respect my decision and do not force, ask, or tempt me to drink. I'm trying to better myself, please respect that.
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