Getting To Know Me

Getting to know me can be hard, I'm not a very open person. A lot of people tend to say I talk too little, or I seem really cold, and emotionless but really I'm just trying my best to protect myself by keeping a wall between me and the people trying to get to know me. Friends are easier to make and open up to but when I start dating and the question, "So tell me about yourself" pops up, I panic. I stick to very basic details like where I work or I go on about things I like but I don't dive deep into my everyday thoughts or my deeply personal experiences. It takes months for me to open up, that is if I ever decide to open up. I'm about to blame a lot of people including myself for becoming this closed off, so be ready, you're about to learn a lot. 

I blame my ex-boyfriends and past lovers for the way I am. I've said this before in previous posts but my very first boyfriend cheated on me, lied to me, and treated me like shit. Clearly having my first relationship be so horrible did a number on me and caused many issues for the relationships to come. My second and third relationships I wasn't even myself I put on a facade and acted like I didn't care, I said I love you when I didn't even mean it, and I treated them like shit because I didn't want to be hurt again. My fourth real relationship was an on and off again unhealthy relationship, we were really horrible to each other but I thought that was a normal relationship, I thought that it made us passionate. Looking back not a single one of these boys knew me in the slightest I put up a front and I never broke down or even cried in front of them. They didn't know about my struggles with alcoholism or depression, they didn't know how broken I was after my grandfather died, they didn't know how scared I was when my mother was having health complications but then again some of them didn't even care to ask about how my day went, sex was their biggest priority and I didn't care that, that's all they wanted from me. I was so comfortable with having meaningless conversations and sex because I was protected. Don't get me wrong I was still hurt by most of them because I did like them and even if our relationship was mostly meaningless I still developed some feelings because I did talk to, joke with, and see them mostly every day. But getting over someone who only meant very little to you is much easier than someone who meant a lot hence why it took me half a year to get over my first boyfriend. 

I blame my parents a little bit as well because I grew up in a household filled with nasty fights and talking about domestic abuse was something I knew you shouldn't talk about. I didn't even consider my parents fights to be abuse until I was 16 and going through my own abuse lucky it wasn't physical but it was verbal and sexual. Most of my boyfriends kind of ignored me when I said I wasn't in the mood to have sex and they would pressure me into it or begged me until I gave in. I have two incidents that left me scarred, the first one I said no but he got into my head and pressured me into it and I gave in, I threw up immediately afterward because I was so disgusted with him and myself.  The second incident is burned into my brain. My partner was drunk and it was 3 am, I was at his house and he was feeling me up, I asked him to stop and he did but he proceeded to masturbate next to me and finally took advantage of me. Once he finished he fell asleep and I laid there with my eyes open until I got the courage to get up and leave, he had the audacity to text me the next day and say the sex was horrible and called me a bitch for just laying there. I've never opened up about my sexual assaults until now but they were one of the biggest reasons I allowed myself to become so closed off. To feel that level of hurt by people I gave my trust to was something I never wanted to experience again. I blame my parents because they never talked to me about their unhealthy relationship and they never taught me how to have a healthy one. I grew up thinking a man only shows he cares if he treats you like shit, I still struggle with having healthy relationships and sometimes I'm the one who makes it toxic because to me if things are going well I end up thinking my partner doesn't care so I turn the relationship into a living hell. 

I also blame myself because I let my anxiety and depression run my life. I was invited out a lot but I declined most of the time because I over thought every little thing and I was scared I would ruin something. Anytime someone would hint that they were interested in me I ran because I always thought of the worst outcomes. I blame myself because I let one man after another take advantage of me, use me in all sorts of ways possible and I didn't even bat an eye. I let my parents' relationship affect me to the point it made me have unhealthy relationships, I let all this happen to myself and that's why I'm the biggest person to blame. I'm still standoffish because what if I let someone in and they don't like the broken pieces of me or what if they find my true self to be repulsive I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of let down. In order for me to let someone in I need to know they're dedicated and nonjudgmental. I've barely scratched the surface of everything that makes me the person I am, I have very ugly parts about me and my past but there are really beautiful pieces to me as well but I'm so scared to show those pieces. 

I'm making this post because I'm tired of being closed off, I'm tired of people commenting about how cold and heartless I seem when I have the biggest most open heart there is. I never judge someone's way of life, their appearance, or their past mistakes. My heart is open and I may seem naive or stupid to ignore some things about people but even after I've been hurt I still try to see the best in everyone. I put the blame on a lot of people but I also take responsibility for my own doing and I know that I would never allow anything similar to my past experiences happen again. I'm trying to move forward and leave the past in the past and live more openly because I wanna experience love again, I'm so tired of meaningless relationships. If you were able to swallow all that information and still think of me as a decent person then please get to know me more. I wanna build something real and share all my insecurities, bad days, good days, jokes, laughs, cries, smiles, and most importantly love.