My Depression *May Be Triggering Read With Caution!*
You ever just wake up and you have total clarity for the first time in a while and you take a look around and see that you let your life fall apart. These are what I call depressive episodes, you just randomly get into a funk that you can't shake and you let your laundry build up, dishes are left all around your room, your diet is thrown out the window, you haven't exercised in almost a month, and you haven't done anything except sleep, eat, and watch Netflix. I think the worst part is that most of the time I don't even realize I've slipped into an episode, I just go about my days as if they're normal but deep down I know there's an underlying sadness that I'm just trying to suppress.
Depression isn't something new for me I've dealt with it all my life. From what I can remember as a kid I wasn't the happiest I mean, my circumstances weren't the greatest as a child and that might've been a contributing factor to why I ended up the way I am but I think it's mostly because my brain is a little messed up. Growing up I didn't have the perfect family, domestic abuse was a normal part of my life. I don't remember if I ever witnessed my father putting his hands on my mother or my stepmother but I've seen the aftermath and I know I've put myself between him a few times to prevent him from laying a hand on them. Arguments and screaming were normal to me and I think growing up in that toxic of an environment messed me up. Just so we're clear my father is a better man now he doesn't lay a hand on anyone and I've come to understand why he was such an angry person, so much happened to him when he was a kid and he never knew how to deal with the anger from his past but it's no excuse to treat people like shit, he has apologized and has been forgiven so don't crucify him. Witnessing those things as a child obviously did a number on me but there was still an underlying problem of sadness that had always been there.
I hate Sundays I don't know what it is about them but ever since I was a kid I'd get this overwhelming feeling of sadness every Sunday. I remember it so clearly because I would just lay in bed and cry myself to sleep or I would ask my mother to lay in bed with me for a while because I didn't want to be alone. Sundays weren't the only days I felt sad I'd get it randomly but it was always usually before bed. Most nights I would think about my family members dying I don't know why I thought about those things but that's what would pop into my head and sometimes it'd get so bad I would have my mom call my dad just so I could talk to him just in case I woke up and he wasn't alive. I remember crying a lot and I thought it was normal because I was a child, obviously now as an adult, I see that it wasn't normal and I've been experiencing depression for a very long time.
I think my depression was more severe as a child/teenager but from ages 19-21 I've been able to deal with it better. My teenage years were the years that I started self-harming not in just one way but multiple. I started self-harming when I was 15, I started out by burning myself. I don't know if this was just a thing where I grew up but you know how people would let the metal piece of their lighters get hot and they would give themselves smilies (a smiley is an imprint from the hot metal of the lighter when pressed against skin it would make a smiley face) well I did that a few times for the "fun" of it but when I started to get into my depressive episodes I would use it as a way to self-harm. Eventually, my depression got worse and burning wasn't cutting it anymore so I moved onto cutting. I only ever cut my left arm I've got some scars but thankfully over the years they've become barely noticeable unless you really look for them. Cutting was a method I started to use at 16 and I wasn't ashamed of it until I was 18 and realized I was ruining my arm. The last time I put a blade to my arm was actually last spring, I totally forgot that I had done that but I was in a low spot in my life and surrounded by toxic people and I needed a release. I haven't cut since then and I don't plan on doing it ever again.
There are a few addictions that have stemmed from my depression. I started drinking at 13 at that age it seemed like alcohol was a solution to peoples problems and I thought it'd be a solution to mine, clearly it wasn't. Throughout high school, I became a little too dependent on it and I think my junior year I came in hungover more then I'd like to admit. After I graduated the drinking only got worse because I felt useless I had no place in the world I wasn't a college student or a full-time worker I was a part-timer calling out of work because I was too depressed to go in. In September of 2017, I stopped drinking because I saw the negative effects it had on me I didn't drink for 2 months and when I did have my first drink again it was because I was in a better place and now I'm able to control what I drink. Usually, I only have one or two drinks, I no longer get plastered and I no longer drink every night and I don't feel the need to either. The other addiction that I still struggle with is smoking cigarettes. I started this habit when I was 18 because the boy I was seeing at that time smoked and I thought why not give it a try, that boy and picking up this awful addiction were the worst mistakes of my life. I think the longest I've gone without them is 2 months I stopped smoking around the same time I stopped drinking. For those two months I felt such a difference I felt less sickly, I had more energy, and my mood was overall better. The reason I struggle so much with cigarettes is because they're my go to when I have a stressful day they're quick and easy and they don't impair you like alcohol does, they're a quick solution to my problems. My last cigarette was in December and I'm going to try and go an entire year without them I just want to live freely and not feel like I need to depend on something to help me feel a little less shitty.
Clearly, I still have my issues but for the first time I'm working on them and trying to improve my situation instead of just letting the shittiness pile up. I may slip into my depressive states of not cleaning and taking care of myself I may sleep a little too much or hide away a little too long but at least I'm not harming myself and I've recognized my bad habits. I'm trying and that's what counts, I wanted to share my depression with you guys because I know a lot of you struggle with depression as well and I'm here to support anyone that needs help. If you feel you can't talk to me or anyone around you please try going to a therapist or calling the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. I know it sometimes feels like the bad days out weight the good ones but try and soak up the good ones any chance you get, it makes the bad ones a little less bad.
Depression isn't something new for me I've dealt with it all my life. From what I can remember as a kid I wasn't the happiest I mean, my circumstances weren't the greatest as a child and that might've been a contributing factor to why I ended up the way I am but I think it's mostly because my brain is a little messed up. Growing up I didn't have the perfect family, domestic abuse was a normal part of my life. I don't remember if I ever witnessed my father putting his hands on my mother or my stepmother but I've seen the aftermath and I know I've put myself between him a few times to prevent him from laying a hand on them. Arguments and screaming were normal to me and I think growing up in that toxic of an environment messed me up. Just so we're clear my father is a better man now he doesn't lay a hand on anyone and I've come to understand why he was such an angry person, so much happened to him when he was a kid and he never knew how to deal with the anger from his past but it's no excuse to treat people like shit, he has apologized and has been forgiven so don't crucify him. Witnessing those things as a child obviously did a number on me but there was still an underlying problem of sadness that had always been there.
I hate Sundays I don't know what it is about them but ever since I was a kid I'd get this overwhelming feeling of sadness every Sunday. I remember it so clearly because I would just lay in bed and cry myself to sleep or I would ask my mother to lay in bed with me for a while because I didn't want to be alone. Sundays weren't the only days I felt sad I'd get it randomly but it was always usually before bed. Most nights I would think about my family members dying I don't know why I thought about those things but that's what would pop into my head and sometimes it'd get so bad I would have my mom call my dad just so I could talk to him just in case I woke up and he wasn't alive. I remember crying a lot and I thought it was normal because I was a child, obviously now as an adult, I see that it wasn't normal and I've been experiencing depression for a very long time.
I think my depression was more severe as a child/teenager but from ages 19-21 I've been able to deal with it better. My teenage years were the years that I started self-harming not in just one way but multiple. I started self-harming when I was 15, I started out by burning myself. I don't know if this was just a thing where I grew up but you know how people would let the metal piece of their lighters get hot and they would give themselves smilies (a smiley is an imprint from the hot metal of the lighter when pressed against skin it would make a smiley face) well I did that a few times for the "fun" of it but when I started to get into my depressive episodes I would use it as a way to self-harm. Eventually, my depression got worse and burning wasn't cutting it anymore so I moved onto cutting. I only ever cut my left arm I've got some scars but thankfully over the years they've become barely noticeable unless you really look for them. Cutting was a method I started to use at 16 and I wasn't ashamed of it until I was 18 and realized I was ruining my arm. The last time I put a blade to my arm was actually last spring, I totally forgot that I had done that but I was in a low spot in my life and surrounded by toxic people and I needed a release. I haven't cut since then and I don't plan on doing it ever again.
There are a few addictions that have stemmed from my depression. I started drinking at 13 at that age it seemed like alcohol was a solution to peoples problems and I thought it'd be a solution to mine, clearly it wasn't. Throughout high school, I became a little too dependent on it and I think my junior year I came in hungover more then I'd like to admit. After I graduated the drinking only got worse because I felt useless I had no place in the world I wasn't a college student or a full-time worker I was a part-timer calling out of work because I was too depressed to go in. In September of 2017, I stopped drinking because I saw the negative effects it had on me I didn't drink for 2 months and when I did have my first drink again it was because I was in a better place and now I'm able to control what I drink. Usually, I only have one or two drinks, I no longer get plastered and I no longer drink every night and I don't feel the need to either. The other addiction that I still struggle with is smoking cigarettes. I started this habit when I was 18 because the boy I was seeing at that time smoked and I thought why not give it a try, that boy and picking up this awful addiction were the worst mistakes of my life. I think the longest I've gone without them is 2 months I stopped smoking around the same time I stopped drinking. For those two months I felt such a difference I felt less sickly, I had more energy, and my mood was overall better. The reason I struggle so much with cigarettes is because they're my go to when I have a stressful day they're quick and easy and they don't impair you like alcohol does, they're a quick solution to my problems. My last cigarette was in December and I'm going to try and go an entire year without them I just want to live freely and not feel like I need to depend on something to help me feel a little less shitty.
Clearly, I still have my issues but for the first time I'm working on them and trying to improve my situation instead of just letting the shittiness pile up. I may slip into my depressive states of not cleaning and taking care of myself I may sleep a little too much or hide away a little too long but at least I'm not harming myself and I've recognized my bad habits. I'm trying and that's what counts, I wanted to share my depression with you guys because I know a lot of you struggle with depression as well and I'm here to support anyone that needs help. If you feel you can't talk to me or anyone around you please try going to a therapist or calling the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. I know it sometimes feels like the bad days out weight the good ones but try and soak up the good ones any chance you get, it makes the bad ones a little less bad.
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