The Girl That's Always Played

Getting played fucking sucks, most men start out super sweet and act like they want a relationship with you then as soon as you put out they stop trying and only ask you to come over to have sex, honestly it fucking sucks. I'm the girl that always gets played even by the sweetest guys, eventually, I became so fed up with it that I became the player. I stopped trying to have relationships but instead I started to just have sex with some guys off tinder, some guys I knew from high school, or people I met through work and let me tell you it was fucking liberating to have no strings attached. Of course, I had a few fuck ups where I did let my emotion leak through but I came up with boundaries to put in place so I wouldn't get emotionally involved. One day I woke up and longed for a relationship, I wanted something real, I wanted a person I could confide in about anything, and I wanted to feel a connection. I was so over meaningless hookups that they started to make me feel depressed so I made the decision to open my mind and heart back up to the idea of being with someone and it still scares the shit out of me being this open because usually I keep myself very closed off. 

Getting played all the time is like getting your hopes up for your dream vacation and it turned out to be complete shit or you're not even able to go because something happens. It's a constant rollercoaster, you get excited that you might have finally found someone that gets you and wants the same things as you but once you give them whatever it is they want they move onto the next and you're left feeling like you've wasted your time and effort on someone who never wanted you but wanted the things you had to offer. In return that always made me feel like I wasn't good enough of a woman for the men that walked in and out of my life. A few times I've been in situations where a man had to choose between me and another girl and I was never their first choice and that made me feel even worse about myself, like what did I not have that the other girls did? I became insecure about myself and questioned everything, did I lack in beauty, was I not emotionally involved or was I too emotionally involved, was I too needy, was I overly annoying, did I do something wrong? Getting played is an actual game and you can either be the pawn or the player and after being the pawn for so long I choose to be the player. The last guy that got my hopes up and let me down caused me to shut out my emotions and I let myself become somewhat of a recluse, the only time I went out or engaged with anyone was when I was having sex I didn't go out of my way to make these men feel special, hell I didn't even cuddle after sex I would get up throw my clothes back on and leave. I was just over feeling like damaged goods and being the player made me feel shiny and brand new. Weirdly enough being a player helped me gain back the confidence I lost in myself over the years of shitty men making me feel worthless, it also gave me this sense of freedom having no commitments and being able to do as I please felt amazing. A little advice if you become the player don't give false hopes, that's one thing I never did. 

Getting the hang of being a player was tough at first, I would find someone and I'd get to know them and they'd turn out to be sweet guys until I'd have sex with them then they'd turn cold and only hit me up when it was convenient for them. I was still getting played when I was trying to be the player so I made boundaries so I could flip the script and allow myself to become the player in the situation. The boundaries included only small talk, no affection before, during, or after sex, and I had to be the one to contact them when I wanted sex. Having little to no talking at all keeps you from getting to know the person you're sleeping with and the less you know the less involved you'll be and the easier it'll be to break it off when you're done with that person. If you want to at least get a few details so you know the person you're sleeping with isn't a serial killer that's fine but get the very basics like what they do for a living, their name and age, what car they drive, avoid asking personal or deep questions the more you know the more involved you'll become. Never show affection not before sex, not during it, and definitely not after it. Don't give forehead kisses, hand kisses, gentle neck kisses your best bet is to stick to lip kisses but never long ones only short ones. Don't hold hands, don't cuddle, don't play with hair, don't even sleep there. Any affection will make your mind develop a sweet spot for that person and you don't want that if you're trying to leave the emotions out. Contacting the person when you want sex is really important because it shows you're the one in control you need to be the one to initiate the situation. If they ever contact you for sex decline it right away you always want to be the one to control when you have sex because if you allow them to flip the script all the boundaries you put into place will be thrown out the window. You have to be in control at all times when you're the player, it's honestly tiring at times but it's worth it because you won't end up hurt. 

Getting out of the mindset of being a player and allowing yourself to feel emotion again is tough. To this day I still hesitate to open up and ask personal questions or show affection, I was so accustomed to being unattached that I sort of forgot how to have a normal relationship. Sometimes it's really hard for me to connect with someone because I seem so cold and hard to get to know and that usually results in me fucking up the relationships I try to build. Sometimes I don't talk at all or barely speak because I'm still trying to get out of the mindset of knowing less is better, I want to get to know people, I want to be open and silly, I want to connect so badly that I stay awake all night thinking about how people do it. I've always been closed off to an extent but the past two years I've been so isolated from everything that I don't know how to act right. In a way becoming a player was damaging to me because I have to relearn how to do so many simple things like going on dates and talking to my date. Communication seems so much harder than before but I'm trying my best and if someone would just stick it out with me I would be so grateful because this is the hardest thing I've done in the past two years. 

Going from the girl that was always played to the player and now to the idiot that has no idea how to have a normal relationship has been an emotional ride. Before I cried all the time over boys that didn't want me, then I stopped caring and only did things for myself, and now I feel a constant confusion about how to have a relationship that's more than just sex. I'm still figuring my shit out and I might be messy for a while but I'm committed and I'm looking for more than just sex, I want to build something that's worth my time and energy I'm over meaningless relationships, so don't contact me unless you're serious.