Why the fuck can't we be ourselves?
The question why the fuck can't we be ourselves has been circling my mind for some time now. When we meet someone for the first time we hide or I at least hide a lot of myself from people because I'm fearful that they won't like who I truly am so I slowly introduce them into it and it's no wonder why I've had so many failed relationships. Everyone I've dated got to know a different girl in the beginning and when they got to know the full me they didn't recognize who I was because I'm so different from the shy girl who doesn't say much. I'm fucking obnoxious and a loud mouth I don't hold many thoughts in and I act on impulse because if I put too much thought into something I usually back out of doing it. I'm also caring and kind and sometimes overly emotional and I think about others so much that I sometimes forget to take care of myself.
You know when you're a child and your parents ask you to be on your best behavior and you act like a fucking saint because you think you'll get something in return well that's how I act when I meet someone for the first time I'm a fucking saint on the first date in hopes that it'll work out in my favor. I'm very shy and quiet and I save my crazy for later on when I feel comfortable enough or just stop caring about how I present myself. I'm not psychotic or anything I'm rather normal but like I said I'm obnoxious and I say what comes to mind and sometimes that puts people off so I hide it away and when the guys I date start to see that side of me they call me crazy or run for the hills because they prefer the shy girl who keeps her mouth shut. Well here's a newsflash boys I'm not the shy girl who keeps her mouth shut I FUCKING EXIST AND I'LL MAKE MY PRESENCES KNOWN! I'm not going to be a poised proper lady it's not who I am. I swear like a sailor and I sometimes act like a fool but I know how to have fun. At this point, I'm all out of fucks to give and I'm going to be 100% my full self all the time so if you don't like me that's fine just fuck off and don't waste my time. In my senior year of high school, I dated a guy who called me crazy all the time because I was outspoken and a bit over emotional (sue me I was a teenager with hormones) he shamed me so much about how I was that I thought there was something wrong with me. The constant name-calling and mockery eventually did drive me crazy and when he and I got into our last dispute it ended with me getting into a physical fight with him. I don't remember much about the fight except that I knocked his binder out of his hands and pushed him into a corner and started hitting him I kinda blacked out until a teacher broke us up but I was just so frustrated and done with him at that point and I didn't care about the consequences of my actions. In the end, I got a nice 3-day suspension and a bunch of high fives from everyone that was proud of me for sticking up for myself. After all that I was still left with the feeling that something was wrong with me so that's when I really started to hide bits and pieces of myself and conform into a shy person.
When you act a certain way for so long you start to adapt it into your everyday life, over time I started to adapt into a shy and shut out person. Going through high school I'd say I blossomed I would obnoxiously scream through the halls with my best friend and run around and act like a fool and I didn't care what people had to say I was me in those moments and I had a joyous fucking time. Once high school was over and I found myself single, I started to pull back I stopped talking to pretty much all my friends the only way we interact now is by liking each others Instagram photos or sharing each other's memes on facebook, I hardly put myself out there to date other than the occasional back and forth on tinder, I shut out everyone in an attempt to build myself into someone different. I didn't want to be known as the crazy girl, or the obnoxious person, or the girl who said anything and everything because I didn't have a filter I wanted so badly to be that proper lady that my ex wanted me to be and I wanted a lifestyle to match. I became so wrapped up in the idea that if I wasn't good enough for this person I wasn't good enough for anyone else so I became someone else for a while. I hid away and became obsessed with the opinions of others if I went on a date I'd ask what that person thought of me, why they decided to go on a date with me, and a shit ton of other questions so I could pick apart what they liked about me or what they didn't like about me. A lot of them used the same line I've been hearing since I started dating at 14 which is "you're so different from all the other girls" thanks for the cliche line guys hearing the same line over and over really made it less special. Here's the thing I'm not that different from the rest of the girls I may be more outspoken but when you're raised by two very vocal people you're gonna get a very vocal child in return. My mother is a very strong independent woman and I often look to her for advice the best advice she's ever given me is "you don't need someone else to make you happy and you certainly don't have to act like someone else to please others" she said if she were in a position where her husband or boyfriend expected her to be quiet and not share her opinions she'd show them the door no matter how many feelings she had for that person she would never sacrifice her self-respect for a man, I admire the fuck out of her for that.
A year ago I dated a guy who was really controlling he expected me to act like a lady, to dress conservatively, and he really didn't like when I talked to other guys whether it was work related or friends. I let him control my life for a little bit because I didn't want to be single I wanted to be in a happy relationship like the rest of the girls I saw on Instagram. When he was leaving for boot camp I was sad at first because I spent every day with him for three months but when he was gone it was a breath of fresh air, not being controlled and told what to wear or how I should act was so freeing. Shortly after he left I started talking to someone else and I cheated on him but to be fair the breakup letter was in the mail. As soon as I felt free the relationship was over for me, I felt free to be myself again and I started to become the obnoxious mouthy girl I was in high school, I really missed being that girl so much. I still hold myself back a bit on first dates because I don't want to scare the guys off that quickly but I act more myself. I struggle a bit with conversation though because at one point I was a player and turned off my emotions and hardly conversed with the guys I slept with but I'm working on all that I'm stepping out of the shell I created and blossoming again. Why the fuck I couldn't be myself is beyond me, never again will I let the words of a man put me into a shell I respect myself too much to let that happen. I love my overly emotional obnoxiously loud caring mouth it makes me who I am and I won't ever lose this part of me.
You know when you're a child and your parents ask you to be on your best behavior and you act like a fucking saint because you think you'll get something in return well that's how I act when I meet someone for the first time I'm a fucking saint on the first date in hopes that it'll work out in my favor. I'm very shy and quiet and I save my crazy for later on when I feel comfortable enough or just stop caring about how I present myself. I'm not psychotic or anything I'm rather normal but like I said I'm obnoxious and I say what comes to mind and sometimes that puts people off so I hide it away and when the guys I date start to see that side of me they call me crazy or run for the hills because they prefer the shy girl who keeps her mouth shut. Well here's a newsflash boys I'm not the shy girl who keeps her mouth shut I FUCKING EXIST AND I'LL MAKE MY PRESENCES KNOWN! I'm not going to be a poised proper lady it's not who I am. I swear like a sailor and I sometimes act like a fool but I know how to have fun. At this point, I'm all out of fucks to give and I'm going to be 100% my full self all the time so if you don't like me that's fine just fuck off and don't waste my time. In my senior year of high school, I dated a guy who called me crazy all the time because I was outspoken and a bit over emotional (sue me I was a teenager with hormones) he shamed me so much about how I was that I thought there was something wrong with me. The constant name-calling and mockery eventually did drive me crazy and when he and I got into our last dispute it ended with me getting into a physical fight with him. I don't remember much about the fight except that I knocked his binder out of his hands and pushed him into a corner and started hitting him I kinda blacked out until a teacher broke us up but I was just so frustrated and done with him at that point and I didn't care about the consequences of my actions. In the end, I got a nice 3-day suspension and a bunch of high fives from everyone that was proud of me for sticking up for myself. After all that I was still left with the feeling that something was wrong with me so that's when I really started to hide bits and pieces of myself and conform into a shy person.
When you act a certain way for so long you start to adapt it into your everyday life, over time I started to adapt into a shy and shut out person. Going through high school I'd say I blossomed I would obnoxiously scream through the halls with my best friend and run around and act like a fool and I didn't care what people had to say I was me in those moments and I had a joyous fucking time. Once high school was over and I found myself single, I started to pull back I stopped talking to pretty much all my friends the only way we interact now is by liking each others Instagram photos or sharing each other's memes on facebook, I hardly put myself out there to date other than the occasional back and forth on tinder, I shut out everyone in an attempt to build myself into someone different. I didn't want to be known as the crazy girl, or the obnoxious person, or the girl who said anything and everything because I didn't have a filter I wanted so badly to be that proper lady that my ex wanted me to be and I wanted a lifestyle to match. I became so wrapped up in the idea that if I wasn't good enough for this person I wasn't good enough for anyone else so I became someone else for a while. I hid away and became obsessed with the opinions of others if I went on a date I'd ask what that person thought of me, why they decided to go on a date with me, and a shit ton of other questions so I could pick apart what they liked about me or what they didn't like about me. A lot of them used the same line I've been hearing since I started dating at 14 which is "you're so different from all the other girls" thanks for the cliche line guys hearing the same line over and over really made it less special. Here's the thing I'm not that different from the rest of the girls I may be more outspoken but when you're raised by two very vocal people you're gonna get a very vocal child in return. My mother is a very strong independent woman and I often look to her for advice the best advice she's ever given me is "you don't need someone else to make you happy and you certainly don't have to act like someone else to please others" she said if she were in a position where her husband or boyfriend expected her to be quiet and not share her opinions she'd show them the door no matter how many feelings she had for that person she would never sacrifice her self-respect for a man, I admire the fuck out of her for that.
A year ago I dated a guy who was really controlling he expected me to act like a lady, to dress conservatively, and he really didn't like when I talked to other guys whether it was work related or friends. I let him control my life for a little bit because I didn't want to be single I wanted to be in a happy relationship like the rest of the girls I saw on Instagram. When he was leaving for boot camp I was sad at first because I spent every day with him for three months but when he was gone it was a breath of fresh air, not being controlled and told what to wear or how I should act was so freeing. Shortly after he left I started talking to someone else and I cheated on him but to be fair the breakup letter was in the mail. As soon as I felt free the relationship was over for me, I felt free to be myself again and I started to become the obnoxious mouthy girl I was in high school, I really missed being that girl so much. I still hold myself back a bit on first dates because I don't want to scare the guys off that quickly but I act more myself. I struggle a bit with conversation though because at one point I was a player and turned off my emotions and hardly conversed with the guys I slept with but I'm working on all that I'm stepping out of the shell I created and blossoming again. Why the fuck I couldn't be myself is beyond me, never again will I let the words of a man put me into a shell I respect myself too much to let that happen. I love my overly emotional obnoxiously loud caring mouth it makes me who I am and I won't ever lose this part of me.
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