Scared To Die..
When I first found out that everyone died I didn't really know how to react, mind you I was probably four or five years old when I found this out and upon finding this out I ended up thinking about my family members or my pets dying and it got to the point where I'd cry myself to sleep every night. Some nights I wouldn't be able to sleep until I called my mom or dad just to tell them that I loved them in case they somehow died overnight. For a child, I had a very morbid and fucked up mind and all I remember from my childhood is crying or having reoccurring nightmares that I still have till this day. I never liked to think about death, never liked to talk about it and funerals were the last things I'd want to attend. My fear of death has gotten to the point where I avoid talking about certain topics or bringing up certain people because it reminds me that one day I'm going to die and quite honestly I never want to.
Sometime in my years of schooling we had to read this book called Tuck Everlasting and it's about a family that is pretty much cursed to live forever and they meet this young girl named Winnie and she discovers this secret but instead of staying with the Tuck's and drinking the water that would have made her live forever she goes back home; I never understood why she didn't drink the water. When I was younger I thought to myself how much I wanted that water and what I would give if I could live forever with my family. I thought of all the things I could do if I had the ability to live forever and I daydreamed and became obsessed with the idea. I hoped that by the time I was at least 20 they would've found the technology to keep people alive at least for a much longer time rather than dying between the ages of 70-100. I mean they're a few people who have lived past 100 and are still kicking today which amazes me and I hope to be one of those people. It just sucks to know that one day I will die and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.
Recently death is all I've been thinking about and I think it's because my dog passed away in the beginning of may and I had to witness his struggle to breathe and I had to try to keep him calm. My mom was trying to rush home from work to get him to the vet but by the time she had gotten home it was practically too late, his bowels we're releasing and he was drooling and gasping for breath. We were in the car on our way to the vet when he took his last breaths in my arms and I cried and cried. I had to carry his lifeless body back into the house and I placed him in his bed until everyone got home so we could all say our goodbyes. We buried him in the backyard and every day I see his little grave in the back and it still makes me sad just typing this section out has me tearing up. I'm still adjusting to him being gone just the other day I was about to call his name out so he'd come lay with me and I remembered that he wasn't alive and it made me so sad. I didn't deal with his death properly I thought that maybe if I had woken up earlier that I could've saved him or what if I just put him in the car and drove to the pet hospital myself I feel like I failed him I feel like I didn't do everything that I could've and it haunts me every day. He had to go in such a horrible way and I just keep hoping that when I die that it's quick and painless because I don't want to suffer like he had to and I sure as shit wish he didn't have to suffer like that either.
I myself haven't been feeling well lately either I've had a variety of symptoms all throughout June and it has continued into July. The worst of it for me was at the beginning of June I was having weekly emergency room visits and doctors appointments and every doctor I saw had diagnosed me with something completely different and most if not all have been proven to be the wrong diagnosis. I thought so many times I was going to die and my anxiety took over and produced physical symptoms like chest pain (which was so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack), difficulty swallowing, feeling of a lump in my throat, etc. The list could go on and on and currently, I've been diagnosed with GERD which is pretty much acid reflux and because of it I've been taking medicine and avoiding certain foods but quite honestly it hasn't helped all that much since I continuisly have abdomen pain as well as chest and back pain. I still get scared that something is going on and the doctors are just not catching it but I think that's also just my mind overthinking too much like it always does. I've had multiple tests done and they've found nothing wrong but for some reason, I still have this fear in the back of my mind that I'm sick or dying. I've become a hypochondriac I'm constantly looking up things that could be wrong with me, I always think that I'm sick or dying, I religiously take the medicine I've been prescribed in hopes that it'll actually work and cure whatever I've been going through. My fear has taken over my life and I'm tired of it like I'm physically exhausted of worrying all the time when a couple of months ago I hardly ever thought about any of this stuff.
I don't really know how to conclude this other than just being honest, this is a fear I've had since I was a child and I was able to put it on a back burner and not think about it for a long time but now that I started I can't stop and I'm obsessed with it. I overthink the littlest headaches and pains and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to not think about this stuff, I'm not sure if I'll ever not be obsessed with trying to live a long healthy life. My fear has me withdrawing from actually living my life and I'm tired of it I want to be careless and eat what I want, drink alcohol, and smoke a damn cigarette if I feel like it, hell I'm even scared of even being alone for more than a few hours because what if something happens when I'm alone and no one is there to help me. I seriously had a few panic attacks overthinking about death and I had to lay in bed with my mom so I could sleep, I felt so ridiculous being a 21-year-old woman and having to sleep with my mom. In case any of you are reading this and thinking I need therapy you're 100% right and that's exactly why I'm going to see someone and that's why I'm starting anxiety medication. I've always been scared to die and always will be it's not something I will outgrow but I hoping I'll be able to get back a normal life where I don't think about it daily. I'm doing my best and if you're going through something similar I suggest getting the help you need because we can't live life like this it's not healthy and it prevents us from actually living.
Sometime in my years of schooling we had to read this book called Tuck Everlasting and it's about a family that is pretty much cursed to live forever and they meet this young girl named Winnie and she discovers this secret but instead of staying with the Tuck's and drinking the water that would have made her live forever she goes back home; I never understood why she didn't drink the water. When I was younger I thought to myself how much I wanted that water and what I would give if I could live forever with my family. I thought of all the things I could do if I had the ability to live forever and I daydreamed and became obsessed with the idea. I hoped that by the time I was at least 20 they would've found the technology to keep people alive at least for a much longer time rather than dying between the ages of 70-100. I mean they're a few people who have lived past 100 and are still kicking today which amazes me and I hope to be one of those people. It just sucks to know that one day I will die and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.
Recently death is all I've been thinking about and I think it's because my dog passed away in the beginning of may and I had to witness his struggle to breathe and I had to try to keep him calm. My mom was trying to rush home from work to get him to the vet but by the time she had gotten home it was practically too late, his bowels we're releasing and he was drooling and gasping for breath. We were in the car on our way to the vet when he took his last breaths in my arms and I cried and cried. I had to carry his lifeless body back into the house and I placed him in his bed until everyone got home so we could all say our goodbyes. We buried him in the backyard and every day I see his little grave in the back and it still makes me sad just typing this section out has me tearing up. I'm still adjusting to him being gone just the other day I was about to call his name out so he'd come lay with me and I remembered that he wasn't alive and it made me so sad. I didn't deal with his death properly I thought that maybe if I had woken up earlier that I could've saved him or what if I just put him in the car and drove to the pet hospital myself I feel like I failed him I feel like I didn't do everything that I could've and it haunts me every day. He had to go in such a horrible way and I just keep hoping that when I die that it's quick and painless because I don't want to suffer like he had to and I sure as shit wish he didn't have to suffer like that either.
I myself haven't been feeling well lately either I've had a variety of symptoms all throughout June and it has continued into July. The worst of it for me was at the beginning of June I was having weekly emergency room visits and doctors appointments and every doctor I saw had diagnosed me with something completely different and most if not all have been proven to be the wrong diagnosis. I thought so many times I was going to die and my anxiety took over and produced physical symptoms like chest pain (which was so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack), difficulty swallowing, feeling of a lump in my throat, etc. The list could go on and on and currently, I've been diagnosed with GERD which is pretty much acid reflux and because of it I've been taking medicine and avoiding certain foods but quite honestly it hasn't helped all that much since I continuisly have abdomen pain as well as chest and back pain. I still get scared that something is going on and the doctors are just not catching it but I think that's also just my mind overthinking too much like it always does. I've had multiple tests done and they've found nothing wrong but for some reason, I still have this fear in the back of my mind that I'm sick or dying. I've become a hypochondriac I'm constantly looking up things that could be wrong with me, I always think that I'm sick or dying, I religiously take the medicine I've been prescribed in hopes that it'll actually work and cure whatever I've been going through. My fear has taken over my life and I'm tired of it like I'm physically exhausted of worrying all the time when a couple of months ago I hardly ever thought about any of this stuff.
I don't really know how to conclude this other than just being honest, this is a fear I've had since I was a child and I was able to put it on a back burner and not think about it for a long time but now that I started I can't stop and I'm obsessed with it. I overthink the littlest headaches and pains and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to not think about this stuff, I'm not sure if I'll ever not be obsessed with trying to live a long healthy life. My fear has me withdrawing from actually living my life and I'm tired of it I want to be careless and eat what I want, drink alcohol, and smoke a damn cigarette if I feel like it, hell I'm even scared of even being alone for more than a few hours because what if something happens when I'm alone and no one is there to help me. I seriously had a few panic attacks overthinking about death and I had to lay in bed with my mom so I could sleep, I felt so ridiculous being a 21-year-old woman and having to sleep with my mom. In case any of you are reading this and thinking I need therapy you're 100% right and that's exactly why I'm going to see someone and that's why I'm starting anxiety medication. I've always been scared to die and always will be it's not something I will outgrow but I hoping I'll be able to get back a normal life where I don't think about it daily. I'm doing my best and if you're going through something similar I suggest getting the help you need because we can't live life like this it's not healthy and it prevents us from actually living.
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