In A Funk
Lately, I feel like I haven't been able to express myself like I used to; for some reason, I became all caught up in my anxious thoughts and depressive funks that it limited me from the creative aspect of my mind. I had so many things planned for this year I was going to write so many blog posts that never came to be, I had video ideas that I wanted to film, I had so many things I wanted to learn and I really wanted this year to be one that I grew tremendously but I couldn't escape my thoughts they consumed me to the point it made me feel like I was dying. A lot of people just tell me that everything is in my head and it's my choice to be happy and that's true to an extent but when you have your mind telling you 24/7 that you're worth nothing, what your doing is pointless, as well as witnessing the death of my dog earlier this year just did something to me that made my anxiety go through the roof. I know most of you are probably thinking I just sound like an overdramatic idiot but somethings trigger people differently than others and these things made me take so many steps back in my life.
My mental health decreased to it's lowest level since I was in high school and I'm still struggling with it every day. I have anxiety attacks almost daily. I've become better at calming myself down but when I started out having them my heart would flutter and I thought I was dying which increased my fear of death, which is still a constant struggle but I'm learning to manage that on top of everything else I'm dealing with. I started dating my boyfriend a couple months back and insecurities that I hadn't had in years started rushing back and I almost ruined my relationship because I would accuse him of things he didn't do and would never do to me, but the anxiety was driving my thoughts to kick into overdrive and my mind said these things were true and I believed every single thought. My anxiety caused me to miss a lot of days of work which prompted me into getting a demotion which I only told a few people about and then I left that job for another one which I was fired from after only a month. I was so depressed going into a small office space that had no windows and all I ever did was talk to patients that thought they were dying which wasn't good for me to be around. Since being let go from my previous job, I've had a lot of time to myself to figure out my next steps, I found a new job that I feel I can handle and will also allow me to have free time so I can have my creative freedom on my days off as well as in the mornings since the restaurant doesn't open until 11am. My mental health is starting to come together again just a little slower than usual but I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions this year and it's to be expected, but I'm just glad I'm beginning to feel like myself again.
My health, as well as my self-esteem, have been in the trash. I haven't been taking care of myself like I should be I hardly brush my hair, I haven't kept up with my skin care, I've been eating shitty, I cannot tell you the last time I worked out, and I've gained so much weight that I feel disgusted with myself. The beginning of this year I felt really good about myself I had gotten most of my skin to clear up, my hair was healthy, I was working out and drinking water every day I even started cutting out fast food and sweets but then my anxiety got in the way and I went back to what was comfortable for me. I shut most of the world out and only adventured out when I needed food or had to work. I started eating crap food, slept all the time instead of going out for a walk, and everything else went down the gutter around the same time. Every time I look in the mirror now I feel so unsatisfied with how I look my skin is disgusting, I'm sick of the hair color that I currently have but I've damaged my hair so much that I'm stuck with it until I grow my hair out, and every time I look at myself I see chub and rolls which makes me feel like I can't leave the house unless I have 50 million layers on. It's embarrassing that I let myself go to this extent but it just goes to show how much mental shit can affect the basic things you need to do in order to care for yourself. From here on out I'm making a promise to myself to start working out and getting back to being healthy no more caving into quick and easy food, no more lacking basic self-care.
What I've learned from all of this is that I need to step up and be responsible for myself, I cannot put the weight of my mental health, physical health, and insecurities into the hands of someone else because they can only do so much for me. I have to take care of myself even on the really shitty days I need to handle it myself or I'll continue down the path I'm on, which isn't a good one. I'm not saying you can't rely on anyone, you can but only every once in a while it shouldn't be an every day thing, that just tires everyone out and puts stress onto your relationships. To anyone going through a funk just know it will pass, you just need to push through the shitty days and hopefully in the end you'll be a stronger more capable person.
My mental health decreased to it's lowest level since I was in high school and I'm still struggling with it every day. I have anxiety attacks almost daily. I've become better at calming myself down but when I started out having them my heart would flutter and I thought I was dying which increased my fear of death, which is still a constant struggle but I'm learning to manage that on top of everything else I'm dealing with. I started dating my boyfriend a couple months back and insecurities that I hadn't had in years started rushing back and I almost ruined my relationship because I would accuse him of things he didn't do and would never do to me, but the anxiety was driving my thoughts to kick into overdrive and my mind said these things were true and I believed every single thought. My anxiety caused me to miss a lot of days of work which prompted me into getting a demotion which I only told a few people about and then I left that job for another one which I was fired from after only a month. I was so depressed going into a small office space that had no windows and all I ever did was talk to patients that thought they were dying which wasn't good for me to be around. Since being let go from my previous job, I've had a lot of time to myself to figure out my next steps, I found a new job that I feel I can handle and will also allow me to have free time so I can have my creative freedom on my days off as well as in the mornings since the restaurant doesn't open until 11am. My mental health is starting to come together again just a little slower than usual but I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions this year and it's to be expected, but I'm just glad I'm beginning to feel like myself again.
My health, as well as my self-esteem, have been in the trash. I haven't been taking care of myself like I should be I hardly brush my hair, I haven't kept up with my skin care, I've been eating shitty, I cannot tell you the last time I worked out, and I've gained so much weight that I feel disgusted with myself. The beginning of this year I felt really good about myself I had gotten most of my skin to clear up, my hair was healthy, I was working out and drinking water every day I even started cutting out fast food and sweets but then my anxiety got in the way and I went back to what was comfortable for me. I shut most of the world out and only adventured out when I needed food or had to work. I started eating crap food, slept all the time instead of going out for a walk, and everything else went down the gutter around the same time. Every time I look in the mirror now I feel so unsatisfied with how I look my skin is disgusting, I'm sick of the hair color that I currently have but I've damaged my hair so much that I'm stuck with it until I grow my hair out, and every time I look at myself I see chub and rolls which makes me feel like I can't leave the house unless I have 50 million layers on. It's embarrassing that I let myself go to this extent but it just goes to show how much mental shit can affect the basic things you need to do in order to care for yourself. From here on out I'm making a promise to myself to start working out and getting back to being healthy no more caving into quick and easy food, no more lacking basic self-care.
What I've learned from all of this is that I need to step up and be responsible for myself, I cannot put the weight of my mental health, physical health, and insecurities into the hands of someone else because they can only do so much for me. I have to take care of myself even on the really shitty days I need to handle it myself or I'll continue down the path I'm on, which isn't a good one. I'm not saying you can't rely on anyone, you can but only every once in a while it shouldn't be an every day thing, that just tires everyone out and puts stress onto your relationships. To anyone going through a funk just know it will pass, you just need to push through the shitty days and hopefully in the end you'll be a stronger more capable person.
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