Starting This Year With A Cleanse
For me 2018 sucked a whole lot, I had so much toxicity in my life and I let myself drowned in it. I know a lot of people think starting the new year with a resolution or multiple resolutions is dumb and the people that think it's dumb say things like "it's just another year, if you wanted to change you'd do it any time" but in order for me to truly realize the kind of year I've had the year needs to come full circle. Once the year has come full circle I feel I'm able to compare what I started doing at the beginning of the year and look at where I've ended. This past year I started out strong and then something just switched in me and I became an anxiety-ridden person unable to create, work, or think about anything else other than death or illness. Eventually, I overcame all of that with the help of my family and boyfriend but because I became so concentred about my physical and mental health I let all other aspects of my life crumble and fall and I let the toxic people in my life get the best of me. In this post I wanna go over the things I want to let go of and overcome this year as well as go over huge goals I'd like to achieve and what I plan to work towards so I can start building a future.
First things first we gotta lose some old baggage. I'm someone who constantly overthinks, meaning I think back to random times in my life, like that time back in 2010 I wish I would've told Becky to shove her ice cream cone up her tight ass to cool down her mean temper, but lets be real I didn't tell Becky that for a reason and it was probably for the better. I'm sure most people can relate especially when it's getting late in the night and you're all alone with your thoughts and something you think about sparks one memory and it's onto the next and the next until you're rocking on the floor crying because the boy you had a crush on in 5th grade liked some other girl or whatever. It's thoughts like these that hold me back from living, sometimes I feel like I'm too busy living in the past to even notice what's going on in my current life and it's sickening. The year I constantly find myself wanting to relive is 2016 it was the year I finished high school and I was still working at the grocery store and I felt like I had so much time to figure things out for myself so I kicked back and lived as freely as possible and I loved every moment of it. The summer of 2016 I lived it up I went to concerts, had late night drives with the people I was friends with, I traveled a bit to places like Cape Cod and Coney Island, and I hiked or went to the beach almost daily. Now I feel like the walls are constantly crumbling in on me and I'm trying to dig myself out and get ahead in life but the memories of better times keep me down and I'm beginning to suffocate because I find many days unbearable. I felt lost for most of 2018, I no longer had goals or ambitions, I was no longer interested in things I use to love, I pushed everyone out or destroyed meaningful friendships/relationships, I bounced from job to job and I felt like I lacked any meaning or care for myself or others. In 2019 I want to make it as good as 2016 was. I mean clearly it's not going to be the same because I'm about to be 22 instead of 19 and I need to start getting my life together so I can start planning for a future, but I want to get back to my roots and enjoy things and live more outside of my mind.
Secondly, we gotta sage the fuck out of the toxicity I've allowed into my life. As I've mentioned I use to live freely and more outside of my mind which meant I didn't care what other people thought about me or if they liked me or not but lately I find myself wanting to be a people pleaser and I constantly ask myself why so and so doesn't like me. This has been one of my biggest downfalls especially when I learn someone in my place of work has issues with me and if they're a manager or supervisor forget about it my motivation goes out the door and I end up having this 'fuck it' attitude and I stop giving a shit about my work ethic and it should be the absolute opposite I should be saying 'fuck them' and work my ass off because I'm there to get a paycheck not make friends. I also started giving people too much power with the words they say to me if it's a negative thing they say about me I overanalyze it and come to the conclusion that they're right even if they're completely wrong. I've allowed my mind to become so fragile that even the smallest of remarks that are sometimes even words of encouragement can spark rage in me and doing so makes for many ridiculous temper tantrum arguments that unfortunately my boyfriend (who is an absolute trooper for staying with me) gets the brunt end of. Let me clarify why even words of encouragement spark rage sometimes because I don't want to seem like I'm a ridiculous crybaby (even though I am) but in my mind I'm not where I would like to be and when somebody else points out that I'm behind in life and not at the level a 22-year-old should be at I get pissy at myself for not giving a shit and working harder to get somewhere like everyone else my age is doing and hence I'm angry at myself and embarrassed so I end up lashing out on the whoever is calling me out on my shit. What I'm not realizing though is that the people calling me out are doing it because they love me and want to see me succeed and I need to start being an adult and have conversations with these people and figure out how I can do better instead of acting like I'm still a bratty teenager. Apart of getting rid of the toxicity needs to come from me growing up and taking responsibility for my actions and having a mindset of not caring what people think so I can achieve what I need to in order to further and better my own being.
Thirdly, we gotta stop letting depression and anxiety run shit. For so many years I've been affected by depression and anxiety and it hurts me from furthering myself and being better. My spouts of depression causes me to sleep all day or lay in bed, avoid all productivity and responsibilities, and avoid people and when anxiety mixes in my mind shuts down and I'm out for the count. These things have kept me from putting myself out there for job opportunities or even applying to colleges, even making simple interactions or easy day to day activities seem too much to handle when I'm at my lowest. It's scary being low because while you're going through it you never know if you'll be able to pull yourself out of it. It's an ugly time, insecurities, doubts, fears they're all too real and seem more attainable than hopes and dreams. I've let my doubts and fears run too much of my life and it's holding me back from reaching my full potential and I don't want to allow that to happen any longer. I want to feel like I've lived and done everything that I've ever wanted to do in this life but I can't do that if I continue on the path that I've been on for so long. Maybe I can't beat this by myself professional help might be what I need to overcome these things and if I come to that conclusion or if any of you reading this come to that just know that doesn't make you any less stronger of a person it just means you hit a pothole in the road and popped a tire and you don't know how to change said tire so calling someone to help doesn't mean you're dumb or incapable of learning how to change the tire, you just need to be shown how to fix the issue it's no biggie.
Last but not least, let's get into my hopes for this year. Other than dropping old baggage, smudging out the toxicity, and stopping depression and anxiety in its tracks I hope to have many new beginnings and journeys. I really want to go to college this year but how I came to that conclusion is kind of interesting so one night I felt really lost so I paid $11.99 to get a career and personality assessment and weirdly enough it helped me decide on a career path in the fashion industry and in order for me to do that college is in the books. For the first time, I'm actually excited to start school I think it's going to be challenging at times especially since I've been out of school for 3 years now and have no memory of anything other than all the English classes I took (shoutout to Mr. Greene real quick for being a great English teacher) but I'm up for the challenge. A huge goal of mine is finding a job that pays decent enough so I'm not struggling to make it through the week I don't care if it's part time or full time as long as I can support myself and put some money into my savings I'll be happy but the job I'm working right now isn't bringing in the money I need and that's got to change. Finally getting back to my true self is what I find most important, I'm a free-spirit and I don't want past memories, current doubts and fears to continue to push me into a safe box I no longer want to tiptoe around in life I want to feel the ground on my bare feet and go through the rest of life like that. So I'm kicking this year off with a cleanse and hopefully this helps some of you that are stuck in a rut or dealing with toxic shit to do the same.
First things first we gotta lose some old baggage. I'm someone who constantly overthinks, meaning I think back to random times in my life, like that time back in 2010 I wish I would've told Becky to shove her ice cream cone up her tight ass to cool down her mean temper, but lets be real I didn't tell Becky that for a reason and it was probably for the better. I'm sure most people can relate especially when it's getting late in the night and you're all alone with your thoughts and something you think about sparks one memory and it's onto the next and the next until you're rocking on the floor crying because the boy you had a crush on in 5th grade liked some other girl or whatever. It's thoughts like these that hold me back from living, sometimes I feel like I'm too busy living in the past to even notice what's going on in my current life and it's sickening. The year I constantly find myself wanting to relive is 2016 it was the year I finished high school and I was still working at the grocery store and I felt like I had so much time to figure things out for myself so I kicked back and lived as freely as possible and I loved every moment of it. The summer of 2016 I lived it up I went to concerts, had late night drives with the people I was friends with, I traveled a bit to places like Cape Cod and Coney Island, and I hiked or went to the beach almost daily. Now I feel like the walls are constantly crumbling in on me and I'm trying to dig myself out and get ahead in life but the memories of better times keep me down and I'm beginning to suffocate because I find many days unbearable. I felt lost for most of 2018, I no longer had goals or ambitions, I was no longer interested in things I use to love, I pushed everyone out or destroyed meaningful friendships/relationships, I bounced from job to job and I felt like I lacked any meaning or care for myself or others. In 2019 I want to make it as good as 2016 was. I mean clearly it's not going to be the same because I'm about to be 22 instead of 19 and I need to start getting my life together so I can start planning for a future, but I want to get back to my roots and enjoy things and live more outside of my mind.
Secondly, we gotta sage the fuck out of the toxicity I've allowed into my life. As I've mentioned I use to live freely and more outside of my mind which meant I didn't care what other people thought about me or if they liked me or not but lately I find myself wanting to be a people pleaser and I constantly ask myself why so and so doesn't like me. This has been one of my biggest downfalls especially when I learn someone in my place of work has issues with me and if they're a manager or supervisor forget about it my motivation goes out the door and I end up having this 'fuck it' attitude and I stop giving a shit about my work ethic and it should be the absolute opposite I should be saying 'fuck them' and work my ass off because I'm there to get a paycheck not make friends. I also started giving people too much power with the words they say to me if it's a negative thing they say about me I overanalyze it and come to the conclusion that they're right even if they're completely wrong. I've allowed my mind to become so fragile that even the smallest of remarks that are sometimes even words of encouragement can spark rage in me and doing so makes for many ridiculous temper tantrum arguments that unfortunately my boyfriend (who is an absolute trooper for staying with me) gets the brunt end of. Let me clarify why even words of encouragement spark rage sometimes because I don't want to seem like I'm a ridiculous crybaby (even though I am) but in my mind I'm not where I would like to be and when somebody else points out that I'm behind in life and not at the level a 22-year-old should be at I get pissy at myself for not giving a shit and working harder to get somewhere like everyone else my age is doing and hence I'm angry at myself and embarrassed so I end up lashing out on the whoever is calling me out on my shit. What I'm not realizing though is that the people calling me out are doing it because they love me and want to see me succeed and I need to start being an adult and have conversations with these people and figure out how I can do better instead of acting like I'm still a bratty teenager. Apart of getting rid of the toxicity needs to come from me growing up and taking responsibility for my actions and having a mindset of not caring what people think so I can achieve what I need to in order to further and better my own being.
Thirdly, we gotta stop letting depression and anxiety run shit. For so many years I've been affected by depression and anxiety and it hurts me from furthering myself and being better. My spouts of depression causes me to sleep all day or lay in bed, avoid all productivity and responsibilities, and avoid people and when anxiety mixes in my mind shuts down and I'm out for the count. These things have kept me from putting myself out there for job opportunities or even applying to colleges, even making simple interactions or easy day to day activities seem too much to handle when I'm at my lowest. It's scary being low because while you're going through it you never know if you'll be able to pull yourself out of it. It's an ugly time, insecurities, doubts, fears they're all too real and seem more attainable than hopes and dreams. I've let my doubts and fears run too much of my life and it's holding me back from reaching my full potential and I don't want to allow that to happen any longer. I want to feel like I've lived and done everything that I've ever wanted to do in this life but I can't do that if I continue on the path that I've been on for so long. Maybe I can't beat this by myself professional help might be what I need to overcome these things and if I come to that conclusion or if any of you reading this come to that just know that doesn't make you any less stronger of a person it just means you hit a pothole in the road and popped a tire and you don't know how to change said tire so calling someone to help doesn't mean you're dumb or incapable of learning how to change the tire, you just need to be shown how to fix the issue it's no biggie.
Last but not least, let's get into my hopes for this year. Other than dropping old baggage, smudging out the toxicity, and stopping depression and anxiety in its tracks I hope to have many new beginnings and journeys. I really want to go to college this year but how I came to that conclusion is kind of interesting so one night I felt really lost so I paid $11.99 to get a career and personality assessment and weirdly enough it helped me decide on a career path in the fashion industry and in order for me to do that college is in the books. For the first time, I'm actually excited to start school I think it's going to be challenging at times especially since I've been out of school for 3 years now and have no memory of anything other than all the English classes I took (shoutout to Mr. Greene real quick for being a great English teacher) but I'm up for the challenge. A huge goal of mine is finding a job that pays decent enough so I'm not struggling to make it through the week I don't care if it's part time or full time as long as I can support myself and put some money into my savings I'll be happy but the job I'm working right now isn't bringing in the money I need and that's got to change. Finally getting back to my true self is what I find most important, I'm a free-spirit and I don't want past memories, current doubts and fears to continue to push me into a safe box I no longer want to tiptoe around in life I want to feel the ground on my bare feet and go through the rest of life like that. So I'm kicking this year off with a cleanse and hopefully this helps some of you that are stuck in a rut or dealing with toxic shit to do the same.
Comments
Post a Comment