2020 Was Kind Of Shit, I Think We Can All Agree

      2020 has been a year; some of us used it as a time to better ourselves, and others kind of drowned in the craziness of it all. For one, I spiraled a lot this year; I was in and out of states of depression and anxiety. I hit rock bottom at a certain point and just kind of said fuck everything, but then I had a moment of clarity. I feel like I always reflect on my life in December because it's the end of another year, and I always like to compare to where I started and how things have changed. I realized nothing had changed, and if I continued going forward with how I was currently living, I would never be happy in life. So I went through a messy breakup, I applied to college, and I'm actively looking for a new job that will give me some validation at the end of the day. 

     Back in November, my Great Grandmother died, and for whatever reason, death always brings another side of me out. It's a side that is determined to live a life that doesn't have regrets attached to every aspect, and it's the side that allows me to take a leap and take charge of my life; it's a side that wants me to grow and live with an abundance of happiness. I had to take a moment to analyze what aspects of my life I was unsatisfied with and one of them being my relationship. My ex and I are on good terms. To be honest, I have no ill will for any of my exes. I think the best thing to do is to always forgive and forget. But to simply put it, we didn't mesh well together, we couldn't satisfy each other's needs, and I was outgrowing the relationship we had. I no longer wished to be in something that made me unhappy, so I decided to end it. I felt a weight lift off my chest when I finally managed to end things, and I think I subconsciously knew things were going to end; I just had trouble pulling the trigger because we were together for so long, and I was comfortable, and I didn't want to jump back into the world of dating. I'm not sure what path my love life is on, I'm not sure if I want to fall in love again or if I just want to chill for a while, but I am open to anything. 

     I have been juggling the idea of college in my mind for a long time, the main two reasons I haven't gone are I didn't know what I wanted to go for and I was anxious about going to a new school and associating with new people. I've let anxiety about little things control me for far too long, and because I did that, it negatively impacted me, which quite honestly fucking sucks. Anxiety and depression have taken a lot of the passion I once had for things and completely squashed it out of me, and I felt so drained to the point that all I did most days was watch television and lay in bed. I was a fucking bore to be around. Recently I've been getting back into the things I use to love doing, like writing my little blog posts, drawing, and I'm getting back into one of my biggest passions, which is fashion. Back in 2017, I was at my peak when it came to fashion; I had new clothes every week, I felt like I was always ahead of the trends; it's like my brain was trained to know what the latest look would be during any season. I slowly lost that when I moved out of my mom's in 2018 because I had actual living expenses, and I couldn't afford new clothing; if anything, I found myself selling some of my favorite pieces on Poshmark just to make ends meet. For two whole years, I felt like my clothes no longer matched what I wanted to look like, and I hated my wardrobe. More recently, I've been falling back in love with fashion, mostly due to Ashley from bestdressed on youtube. Throughout 2020 I have rewatched her videos, and it made me playful with the clothes I own, putting together some funky and weird outfits, but also owning a style that I love. Because I fell back in love with clothes, I started looking into colleges so I can start a path in fashion merchandising and retailing; I honestly haven't been this excited for anything in a long time. I can't wait to learn more and throw myself fully into something that has always been a big part of my life. 

    The biggest slap in the face I received in 2020 was when I found out I didn't get a raise at my job. I work at a pharmacy (I'm not going to name which one just in case they decide to fire me for putting them on blast), and I can say during this pandemic, they have been less than grateful for their employees, who are exposed every day to sick people all of the time. Whether it be covid, the flu, or the common cold, we are always surrounded by sick people. I'm sure there were plenty of people dissatisfied with the way our jobs have handle things during this pandemic but let me share with you how my job has gone about it all. First of all, they let us wear jeans for about a week whoop-de-doo, then they decided to give us a one-time payment of an extra 150 dollars while we witnessed other companies offer their employees' hazard pay which gave workers a slight pay raise. Big companies like Walmart closed on Thanksgiving day while my job stayed open; here's the real kicker, the pharmacy isn't even open on holidays unless it's a 24-hour store. On Christmas Day, we'll be open regular hours while big companies like Walmart will be closed. We even asked for reduced hours so we could get out and enjoy a meal with our families, but we couldn't even get that because it would be an inconvenience for the two customers we'll get that day. I felt like I stepped up this year and tried my best at work. I was on top of everything; I accepted a management position, I got my pharmacy tech license, I did everything I was asked and more, and I picked up as many hours that they would allow, and when it came time for our reviews, I received a 2.7 out of 5. Not only was I shocked by this rating, but my coworkers also didn't understand why I was rated so low. They constantly teased that I was my store manager's favorite employee, but boy was that far from the truth. This was the biggest let down of 2020. I felt so undervalued by this company, and it has put a damper on my mood. I don't want to go to work, I now do the bare minimum, and when I find myself going the extra mile, I stop myself because I don't know why I'm putting in any effort. I understand that this isn't the right attitude to have, but when the only complaint that I had on my review was not recommending the app to customers, I just can't justify my rating. I have relationships with my customers; I always show them where an item is, I greet them when they come in and say goodbye when they leave, I'm always upbeat and kind to all of them, and I try my best to answer any questions they have. I've been in customer service for almost eight years now, and I've developed a sense of knowing what customers to recommend things to and which will not give me the time of day. All I can say is after being treated so lowly and not even having my manager say hello to me when I come in or not even directly talk to me about what needs to get done has pushed me to want to get out as soon as possible. Having poor management negatively impacts the atmosphere, and most of my coworkers feel just as undervalued as I do. It sucks because they all have a great work ethic and have bright personalities, and they do deserve more. 

    I can say, though, I do appreciate how lowly I have been treated because it's given me the motivation to get a start on my life. I'm going to college in the spring of 2021, I'm looking for a job that will value me and look at me as an asset because of my experience, and I'm just going to allow 2021 to be a better year full of positivity. 2020 was a whole ass mess, and I'm not saying this pandemic will be over by then. I'm just saying I'm going to do better things for myself in this upcoming year, and I will no longer allow people or my anxieties to walk all over me or take control of my life. After taking two years of shit from people, I can finally say fuck you and move onto better things, and that, my friends, is the best feeling in the world. If you can learn anything from this cluster fuck of ramblings, I hope it's never to allow things to hold you back, whether it be a person, a job, or yourself. Push the fuck forward, tell these things to suck it, and make life your bitch.