Diving Into Dating

     Dating is my favorite topic to discuss. As some of you may know, I am an avid dater or use to be before I got into a two year relationship that ended on somewhat good terms for the first time in a long time. But now that I'm single, I kind of dove headfirst and started seeing someone, and I forgot how much I hate the first bit of dating. Oof, let me tell you, I don't know why I hold so much of myself back when I should just full force throw my personality out there. I keep myself bottled up, and I swear even my ex was like, who the fuck are you? Because even after two full years, he didn't get through much of my hard shell. Don't get me wrong, I have moments where I let small pieces of myself slip up, but it's when I'm drunk, and honestly, I've quit drinking again because it became a problem, yikes. I use to be so fucking confident when it came to dating, tinder was my bitch, and I could get any dude to like me pretty easily.. More like fuck me pretty easily, I was easy, sue me I was young and horny in my younger dating years. Moving past that, I guess looking back at all my relationships, I've never been one to open up much and I think that's what causes a lot of problems for my dating life. 

    I always throw the blame onto my parents for seeing how their relationship unfolded in front of my young baby eyes. Still, I feel like by twenty-three, I should've already worked out that not every relationship ends up like theirs did. But I still use their divorce as an excuse for my insecurities within my relationships. Commitment is fucking terrifying to me, the most terrifying thing about it is letting down the gates and allowing someone to enter my gigantic castle of problems and allowing someone to see the big baby bitch I am. Allowing my walls to come down to someone who could potentially hurt me and not want to be committed to me at all is a huge fear; I just don't ever want to experience heartbreak again. The last time I did, I was a dramatic ass teenager, but I felt like dying for months and that shit is scary. The things someone can use against you once you let them in is horrifying. I know eventually, I'm going to have to let these walls crumble; I think I'm just waiting for the motherfucker that's going to rip them down.

    New relationships also seem to bring out a skeptical side of me. I always ask, what is so special about me? or what makes him want me rather than someone else? I'm not sure why I never find myself to be good enough for anyone. I assume this feeling of not being good enough might stem from never living up to my parent's expectations of me, so now I essentially feel like I'll never live up to the expectations of any man I choose to be with. Again throwing blame onto my parents, but let's be real, childhood really shapes you into the person you grow up to be. Not being confident about my relationships has hurt me more than I'd like to admit. When I first started dating my ex, I accused him of cheating on me, which essentially made me close up, and eventually he did seek other girl's attention, then that twisted me into being a cold-hearted bitch even more than I was before. It's a lot of self-sabotaging, which I think we all do in relationships. We all have a toxic trait about ourselves, and mine is making accusations and pushing people away but still pulling them back in with the lines of I love you, and I need you, and I'm sorry. I'm working on gutting this trait, but it's been difficult. I'm not as confident in myself as I once was; I struggle a lot with my image and just a general feeling of being worthless. 

    I've been really shitting on myself in this post, but I think doing that is important to rebuilding yourself into a better person, not only for myself, but for a future partner as well. Ideally, I'd like to be whole and not have to scramble around like an idiot trying to figure out how I should be in the dating stages, but that just isn't realistic for me or anyone who has seen their parents fight and get divorced, or been through several toxic relationships. It takes a real sense of security to allow those of us who have been damaged to even give a little. The most important thing to do going into a new relationship is to never project an old lover's traits onto your new lover that's damaging from the start, and you don't want your relationship to start off rocky because of someone else's behaviors. Sometimes you just have to swallow those insecurities and allow your new partner to show you they're different. Or they'll show you they're just another fucking asshole, and then you'll start questioning your choice of men, which I have done time and time again. 

    In conclusion, diving into dating is always going to be rough, no matter who you are. But we have to let down our hair and let a dude climb into our castle and get to know the ugly beast that is us. If we don't let anyone in, we'll all just end up being a bunch of cat ladies who only talk to our cats in a weird baby voice, and trust me; I've been that lady, you don't want to be her. Cats are cool, but they don't talk, and it gets lonely. So for the love of god, just full force throw your personality out there, be confident with yourself, and if you get rejected, oh fucking well, move on to the next, and you'll be okay. Take that fucking dive and keep taking it until you find one that sticks.